Many parents bribe their kids out of diapers. We were no different. We told Logan we’d bring him to Disneyland if he could use big boy underwear. Around this time, his home daycare provider informed us that he had a fondness for pink. So she dyed some tighty whiteys and sent him home with them. With a wink and a nod she said, “Seems your boy likes pink!” With feigned indignance, I responded with, “We’ll love him no matter what.”
Fast forward a few years. The boy decided he liked Barbie Princess Sticker Books. We thought, “Yay, he likes books!” Others raised eyebrows at him, and we thought nothing of it. But one day, we were waiting to board a plane. While the kid was flipping through his Barbie sticker book some burly redneck with an inflated chest and an even more inflated sense of manliness walked up and said, “Whoops, your boy seems to like princess books!” Whoops? I looked him square in the face and in front of his wife and daughters I responded with, “Like you don’t have ‘books’ of princesses hidden away under your mattress.” Beard and Flannel stared at me for a few seconds, chuckled nervously, and walked away. Good choice.
Because of years of training, I don’t ever worry about my ability to defend myself or my family. As I result, I’m a reluctant but capable participant in the alpha male game. I find being a goofball way more fun. And I’m comfortable enough in other aspects of my personhood to not feel threatened by other males. In fact, I like taking part in what other dudes might consider non-manly behavior. For example,
- I like to dance – sometimes by myself.
- A really good number on SYTYCD can reduce me to tears.
- I love holding hands with my boys and overwhelming them with hugs and kisses.
- And yes, I think pink can look really good on a dude.
So what are we going to teach the boys about manliness? My thoughts on this have been dynamic over the years. If we had a daughter, I’m not sure we’d raise her differently. We think cool people are people who do cool things, regardless of gender. And men and women have equal capacity to act in super lame ways. Assholery knows no gender boundaries. So we focus on teaching the boys to be cool people.
We’re cool(?). We hang out with cool people(!). My kids will be alright, right?
True Blood was a guilty pleasure for us a few years ago. We’d rush the kids to bed and fire up the DVR. One of the male characters, Lafayette, is a bad ass. While he makes money through dubious means, Lafayette is mostly a cook who kicks ass. He’s also black and gay. In fictional Bon Temps, Louisiana – you can imagine the crap he has to deal with. But did I mention how much of a bad ass he is? Watch the following NSFW clip. Again, the clip is NSFW.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=890ULiSXZSY
Would I be fussy if my kids grew up to be Lafayette-like? Nope. In fact, Lafayette sort of covers it for me. While many would focus on his less than traditional maleness; he has necessary skill sets that are indispensable to anybody, male or female. I hope to instill these skill sets in my boys some day.
Learn How to Cook – I’m not endorsing being a chef, but learn how to cook. Society revolves around food. If you know how to cook, you’ll have lots of friends – whether you want them or not. You can’t roll through life alone, and a cook never does.
Earn a Living – I really don’t care what my sons do for a living. I’d want it to be honest and legal, but they better ‘take care dey bidness’! Bonus points if they find autonomy, mastery, and purpose.
Defend Yourself – I don’t necessarily just mean physically, though I obviously believe that is important. I’d like them to be able to pursue, develop, and defend their ideas as well. Of course, they’ll have to constantly update and bombproof those ideas. But that’s why we have science – intellectual martial arts.
Again, I couldn’t care less about what’s out there regarding manliness? I don’t want my sons to be great men. I want them to be great people. And to try not be an…
What are the top 3-5 things you want for your children?
One thing I’ve learned is the only perfect parent is the one who doesn’t have kids yet but has a clear vision of how they will turn out and be raised.
As for me, with raising children, I’ve learned you just get on the wave and see where it will take you (metaphor for Troy).
I want my child to be confident, witty and a bit snarky at times (just not with me). Most importantly, when someone chooses to try and ridicule them for their choices they simply give a look and say F*&k you.
Nice story Troy
Kevin – in the words of Hunter Pence: “Yes! Yes! Yes!”. I love your metaphor, especially given my current skill (or lack thereof) on waves. Sometimes you ride on your belly. Sometimes you even have to courage to stand up. But then you hope to not drown when it’s all said and done. Yep – that’s pretty much my parenting experience!
In a few years I would be honored, and not entirely surprised, if I’m the first person little K gives a look to and says F*&k you! I’m pretty sure I’ve had at least the look part from both she and Thomas. In fact, maybe even just yesterday.
3 things I want for Savanna:
Become comfortable in the kitchen – yes, totally agree with Troy
Be courageous, not fearful
Be smart and utilize her resources
Yay T – You almost nailed the gym (and my personal) motto: Veritas – Fortitudo – Diligentia. Clarity (truth) – Courage – and Hard work. I fail miserably most days, but it’s a good thing to strive for. The thing I really worry about: Should I add something food related to the motto? I seem to think about food more than anything else! 😉